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Ypsidixit - 2007-09-24 23:44:04 Step two: Watch these videos and carefully study the "smoldering" technique of 1920s vamp Brooks. Note the reaction of men within her sight. That's right. Despite your lack of a slinky, fringey dress and surgically-trimmed bob haircut, you too can use this skill. Try smoldering in short, five-minute bursts. Stay away from packing excelsior and piles of sawdust as you practice. Now you're ready to smolder freely in front of your partner. Combine your smoldering with a throaty-voiced request to "do something really special." When your partner asks, "Like what?" say "Paint the kitchen...honey." If your partner laughs at the thought, or worse, deftly outmaneuvers you by offering instead to "pick up the ton of stuff you need...I think I can haul all that stuff," (making that sound more exertious than the actual painting-pah!) then you may as well resign yourself to doing it yourself. Step three: Prepare Your Surface. The inner surface of your stomach should be lightly coated with a protective layer of beer, to insulate it from the danger of ulcer during this highly stressful and intense operation. Keep in mind, too, that artistic technique improves in proportion to volume of beer consumed. Step four: Cutting In: This refers to painting around the edges of things like cabinets with a 4-inch brush. It is paradoxical but true that the smaller your kitchen, the more cutting in you'll have to do, because everything is squished together. By the time Y. was done cutting in, I'd actually painted 95% of my kitchen; there was only one little spot on the ceiling left. The tradition of cutting in began with the cave painters of Lascaux, who actually cut into the rock to create a grooved "frame" to highlight their incomparable pictures. You're never going to paint anything that good--even though those guys lived in caves. But cut in, nonetheless, with a symbolic brush instead of a chisel, to do them honor and because everyone's done it for so long we're scared to do it differently. Step five: Now that you have all the edges of everything "cut in," take the smaller brush you have and, using your paint, experimentally try to paint some Lascaux-like animals after I said you couldn't. Right on the wall. Go ahead, you're going to paint over them anyways. ...Yeah. OK. Call that an ibex? I've seen better ibexes in...in...that place where they have really good ibexes. (Grudgingly): the wildebeest is not bad. OK! Time to get down to business here! We can't be painting Lascaux cave animals all day! Step six: Take the roller and paint everything else. There! You're done! Now do it one more time for your second coat and voila--you now have a glowing stockpile of Household Chore Cred that you can probably exploit for the next two months! Don't forget that "muscle" you "strained" in your "back" the next time you try ("Owwww!") to hang wash, or do anything else, within earshot of a loved one. Master these six easy steps and you'll not only transform your kitchen into one obviously painted by a rank amateur, as I did, you'll also be ready to move on to my Ibex Drawing Secrets correspondence course. Well, maybe not. Anyways, to use an old Welsh painter's blessing, "An' a guyd a-ruyllyng oyf they auyld ruyllyer, gadael hi bod, l'chaim!"
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